I felt drained of energy. Why? I tried writing it down. One word followed another, disorderly, disconnected. Then something started to emerge, right in front of my eyes. The words organized themselves. Meaningful sentences came up. A thought. Order out of chaos. A universe out of nothing. I felt in control. Energized. Why?
I felt weak when I lost the control, I felt strong when the illusion of control was regained. But clearly, no control was required for the order to appear.What if, then, no order was lost in the first place. What if, it was just my perception that changed. Why did I blame myself for the lack of recognizable pattern? Why did I credit myself for the pattern that emerged? It seems the perception of control goes hand in hand with the perception of myself. The pain. The pleasure.